This is especially hard to rationalise when there are no signs of real distress. There’s no abuse, you’re not awful to each other, you get through your days in a regular way, you eat your meals together, you talk about how the kids are doing at school and you socialise with your usual group. To the outside, things look as good as ever, but inside… nothing. No connection, no desire, no relatability, no alignment. Just empty and silent.
You have been fighting for the marriage for so long that you don’t know what you’re fighting for anymore. You have nothing left to give, or say. You just know you can’t do this anymore and it’s time to say goodbye.
You don’t need someone else’s approval or permission to do this. You don’t have to keep compromising what you know to be right for you, just to keep your partner / your children / your social circle / your church / your family / your friends / your followers or anyone else happy.
Your purpose in marriage is not about prioritising your partner’s happiness at the cost of your own.
You are allowed to feel what you’re feeling and to trust your gut and your senses if they’re telling you that the disconnect is too large and the attraction too elusive for you to be able to stay anymore. You’ve reached the point where neither of you can relate to who the other has become over the years, even though you’ve tried. If your heart and soul are calling for you to end things, then it’s time to honour your truth - no matter how scary it may be.
Society thinks it’s justifiable to leave a relationship if it’s toxic or abusive, but what happens if your marriage seems ‘solid’ to the outside world and everyone thinks you’re so lucky to have the relationship you have? How do you own up to the fact that it’s all a lie? That you’re completely numb inside from the anaesthesia of faking a ‘successful marriage’ for years? How do you walk away from that?
No-one knows what goes on in a relationship expect for you and your partner, and even there, neither of you know what the other is truly thinking or feeling. Needs change, physical forms change, values change, interests change, desires change, life visions and intentions change and sometimes those changes will take you or your partner down a path where the other simply cannot follow anymore.
Not all relationships can be saved.
If you’ve done the therapy, had the conversations a hundred times over, applied the tools, done the retreats, stayed together for the sake of the kids and put up with a situation that has not been working for a long time, then maybe it’s time for you get real about the fact that you don’t want to find a way because you already left a long time ago. Tools work for those wanting to stay and it’s okay to admit if you don’t. Maybe it’s time to stop speaking and start listening… to yourself. Because communication isn’t going to get you anywhere when there’s nothing left to say.
Forcing yourself and your partner to constantly be ‘working at it’ when it’s not working is going to cause you both to snap and that’s where relationships get toxic. Stop dragging each other over gravel to get to the mirage of what ‘could be’, when you both know that there’s nothing there.
The ending can be a new beginning.
Facing each other, with the love for what has been, and acknowledging that the journey is over and it’s time to let each other go can be one of the bravest and most heroic actions you can take for yourself, your partner and your kids.
This doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it doesn't mean you have commitment issues, your kids won't be damaged for life, and you won't end up in some hideous place in the afterlife.
As a divorce coach, I have supported many couples throughout my career to say goodbye to their marriages with deep love, honour and respect. People will say “but if there’s love, honour and respect why don’t they stay together?”
Because they love themselves enough to not force another day in an unhealthy dynamic.
Because they honour their partner enough to accept the lessons and the journey without feeling obligated to stay in a damaging dependence.
Because they can respect the choice to not stay tied to a union that’s making them and their kids all miserable.
Divorce coaching is about taking you through a conscious separation process where both parties feel supported and liberated to move forward in new directions without guilt, anger or regret. A way where everyone in the family finds peace and relief. A path where the relationship can be reframed outside of a legal contract into one of choice instead of obligation. One of reciprocity instead of revenge.
You never think a divorce will happen to you, but if it’s clear that you cannot continue in your marriage and you want to say goodbye in a workable way where both of you win, then get in touch and let me support you to find that way forward.
I have supported thousands of couples for over 29 years to navigate separation or divorce from their marriages. This can happen in a very supportive and loving way when both partners commit to creating a win-win and saying goodbye with compassion and care. If you want support in unwinding your marriage, then book a divorce coaching session and let's start a journey together.